Drunken Catan...

Yes it is just as amazing as it sounds!

Not only do we get stupid drunk. We make up additional rules to the most amusing game out there!

The first game went like this:


If that's hard to read, it says:
-roll #7 => Drink
-play knight => Dramatically act it out
-any time something is built, drink
-must use proper vocab when building or buying development card OR ELSE
-any time you have 7+ cards => foreign accent
-to trade with bank => say "I love Beren/Isa"!
-whoever wins has to run around the house naked.
-any time somebody says "wub" they have to make a funny face.

Jeff won that game. It was ridiculous.

The second game got much more elaborate.



It says:
- roll 7, add rule & drink
- every time a road is built the builder has to announce a breakfast food.
- if you have 8+ cards you must speak in an accent
- if you choose to steal from someone you must remove a piece of clothing
- any player that rolls a 6 or 8 must sing something
- if you win the game you have to run around the house in whatever clothes you happen to be wearing.
- if you choose to steal, your victim can put an item of clothing back on.
- if anyone plays a development card they have to say "Utini"!
- whoever wins must run around the house as many times as points ahead of the second place player the winner is.
- all trades must be proposed as if you were a drug dealer.
- when the game ends, whoever has the least points has to press their bare ass against the front window.
- every time you gain a victory point you have to bite your tongue and say "I got a victory point".
- roll a 2 & choose something to happen to another player
- Tom had to robot around the room (naked, but not because he was told)
- if anyone has to discard they have to act very sad.

Tom won, he had to run around the house three times. In his underwear. Jeff had to press his ass against the front window.

BTW, the drink of choice here at Das Pair Haus is a whiskey sour and we play pretty much every weekend. There are currently two open spots for game play.

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Now, a map!

Please refer again to the signage.

Doomed are those who enter here! All hope is lost!

Wait, not that sign. Why do we even have that here?

This is Tom and Monica's domain. ...

Yes, that one. This is in fact our domain. And as has been previously mentioned...THERE IS NO MAP!!!

I admit my heart sank a little when I discovered that unpleasant flaw. I may or may not have had a small panic attack, complete with flapping sea lion arms and a bit of hyperventilating.

Naturally, I immediately set out to correct that vilest of errors.

Presento....A Map of Monica's Brain



Next I'll tackle Tom's brain. The sooner the better too. Once I get his brain mapped I can combine our brains and start working on the Ultimate Map of Tom and Monica's Domain..

On a completely unrelated topic, does anyone have a cranial saw?

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A Quick Introduction

So you've come across a blog, eh? Was it because I told you to? No, you wanted to be here. Just look at this otter.

This is a mental vomit ground. Tread carefully! It's going to be acidic at times, and that sticky thing you just got on your shoe? Well... that's not gum... but we have things to scrape with down here, so it's going to be okay! Just hold on to your map.

Oh. There's not a map. Right.

Well, in that case, I'd like to direct you to the following signage:

Doomed are those who enter here! All hope is lost!

Not that signage. Ignore that. The other one.

This is Tom and Monica's domain. We fill lexical holes. You will be lexiplugged.

Right! Now we're on the right track. Not that the above paragraph tells you much about where you are, or what you're doing here, but at least tells you something.

"What is that something?" you ask.

... I'm kind of shocked you're not wondering "Where's the otter?"... but okay. Here's a bit about us:

 - We're professional lexipluggers. We fill lexical holes Webster himself dared not to go into.
 - We accomplish things when we get together, and we're not really sure why. Like gambulating frittenatiously and hula hooping in crazy outfits. These things just happen... and they produce really awesome stories.
 - We don't take kindly to strangers who aren't comfortable with the fact that we're stranger.
 - We, on occasion, fondle plants. (It's a healthy obsession)
 - We love animation dubstep.

I leave you with a small note, perhaps to bring you some joy this morning.

There wasn't any otter. I'm really sorry. I couldn't get the rights. But I like otters! Honest!

 I've heard from George Takei they hold hands while they sleep!

An Imagination Moment - "The Library of Naughts"

Imagine, if you will, for just a moment...

A library, filled wall to wall with dildos as far as the eye can see! Dildos placed precariously on shelves reaching high up to the windows far above you, through which gleams pure starlight. You enter, cautiously at first, wondering, "What is this magical place I have stumbled upon?"

You walk, slowly, into its pulsating depths. The air reams with exhilaration. A steady humming penetrates your senses. You approach one of the toystacks ahead of you. Noticing a particularly dusty dildo, you blow on it, and lift it from the shelf. Upon it is written word - a poem, from long ago, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

 A Shadow

I said unto myself, if I were dead,
What would befall these children? What would be
Their fate, who now are looking up to me
For help and furtherance? Their lives, I said,
Would be a volume wherein I have read
But the first chapters, and no longer see
To read the rest of their dear history,
So full of beauty and so full of dread.
Be comforted; the world is very old,
And generations pass, as they have passed,
A troop of shadows moving with the sun;
Thousands of times has the old tale been told;
The world belongs to those who come the last,
They will find hope and strength as we have done. 

Suddenly, you realize - the Vibrary is not just for tickling your physical senses; it is for fulfilling your bibliophallic fantasies. Here, you are free to fondle not only your imagination, but also your self.

Grabbing a haikued bullet from a nearby toystack, you approach the front desk. The Vibrarian engages you with a smile and asks to see your Vibrary card, which your nervously reveal from your back pocket.

She smiles knowingly. "Don't be nervous if its your first time."

You present your card. She swipes it. Grabbing a discrete plastic bag, she places your selections inside and wishes you pleasant dreams.

As you feel the humming subside, the outside world seems different somehow - more alive, yet more fragile.


You release a sigh of satisfaction and head home to enjoy your haiku.